capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize