i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
