Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
