is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
