dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
