I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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