come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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