god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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