My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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