his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
