so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize