I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize