Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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