Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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