I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My penis needs a shock collar
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
