nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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