Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
