4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm jealous of your bromance
I checked into jail on foursquare
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
