All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
