When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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