I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
