i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
