On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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