FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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