a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
