you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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