I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
