I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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