Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
