alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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