I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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