Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
