God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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