I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
