sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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