When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
