He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
