Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
