I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
and she was petting her beer can
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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