He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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