it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
