bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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