just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
