So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize