just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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