is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just googled if crying burns calories
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
