What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
