Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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