tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
