Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
