Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
