Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
