my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
