I think I won the penis lottery.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
sarcasm needs its own font
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You dont lie about slip and slides
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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