My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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