I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
