The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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