When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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