Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
